Why I Refuse to Have a Wedding

So many little girls dream of their wedding day. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t one of them, because I was. I pictured a solid white princess dress, silver and lilac as the colors, tables upon tables of people, an orchestra, some beautiful gothic church. Now, that couldn’t be any further from what I want for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, I believe marriage has become more about extravagant weddings than the actual marriage. People don’t even think about their life together when they’re submerged in cake and wine tastings and filling scrapbooks with receipts and photos. I want the day I give my life to the person I love to be about the life we’re going to have, and about the love we share. I don’t want it to be about dresses or cakes or champagne, but about us.

Our life together isn’t going to be this picture perfect fairy tale. It’s going to be real life. We’re going to have struggles, and beautiful triumphs. We’re going to love eachother with everything we have, even when we feel we have nothing. We will have a life full of laughter and mishaps, but overflowing with love.

The second reason is the price. My significant other and I have spoken about it on multiple occasions, and we both feel that a big wedding is an unnecessary expenditure. There are so many more important things that the massive amount of money a wedding would cost can be spent on. For us, it will either go towards travel or towards our living situation. Those things are things we value much more than making a show of something we think is beautiful and personal.

The most important part of my reasoning for me, is the fact that I don’t have the best relationship with my family. My wedding day will be a special day for me and my boyfriend, and I don’t want those people to ruin it for me. I couldn’t bare the guilt I would feel to have a wedding without my family, but I would be miserable if they were there. It’s not so simple as just not inviting them, or having them there and ignoring them. I just don’t want to have one because it would make me uncomfortable.

I’m not settling. Going to the court house and signing the certificate with a witness is all I want. It’s the only way I can picture my wedding day going in a way I’d want to remember. I don’t feel like I’m giving anything up or missing anything. And if I do after, we’ll renew and have a ceremony. This is what I want, and I’m happy I have someone who agrees. I’m not a little girl anymore, and the fairy tales I believe in are of a more realistic nature.

An Open Letter to the Girl Before Me

Part of me will always hate you. I know that makes me awful, and it’s harsh, and it’s irrational. I’m sorry, but it’s just true. And it’s nothing personal. It’s nothing you’ve done, nothing about who you are. Just what you’ve done, and what you had.

I forget you exist, and then I see a photo of you two on the mantle of his mother’s fireplace and I remember you were the only girl he’s ever taken to prom. He’s never slow danced with me, and he has with you. We’ve never been the couple everyone watches on a dance floor. Or I’ll remember the other once in a life time things you’ve been present for. I’ll remember you walked across the stage on the same day as him, or that you were his first. And I hate you in those moments, because the jealousy is too much to handle. 

The sound of your name will forever send a burst of pain through my chest. For what you had, and what I never got to experience. But then I remember all of the things I have that you never will. That isn’t to be boastful, it’s not to be selfish, and it’s not to hurt you. It’s just the truth. 

You will never touch him the way I do again. You will never hear him say the words “I love you.” You will never hold him close to you. You will never again spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with his family. That makes me sad for you a bit, because it would kill me to let those things go.

It bothers me that you spent so much time with him. It shouldn’t, but it does. It was a very long time. Years. Which made it very intimidating coming in. It was terrifying, it hurt. But that time means nothing now. What matters is now. 

It bothers me that his family still keeps in contact. It bothers me that you make an effort to see them. I hate that they interact with you on social media. There’s a huge part of me that hopes you all lose contact, or drift apart, and just stop talking. No more I love yous, I miss yous.. but that’s selfish. They love you, and they’re amazing, loving, thoughtful, caring people. You deserve people like them in your life. He, however, will never be a part of your life again.

As a person, we are very different. The relationship we have with him is very different. But I’m trying my hardest to be friends with you. I really do like you. None of my misgivings and animosities are really personal, just situational. But I honestly hope they pass.

I’m not asking permission to post this. I will not apologize for posting this. This is my honesty. My openness. I needed to do this to calm those angers inside of me. I know we’ve had our past problems, and I’m so happy we’ve made it past them.

Love and Mental Health

Balancing anxiety and a personal life is like a circus tight rope act. You could fall, the rope could break, or – by an act of god, or by extensive practice – you make it to the other end unscathed. I thought finding a serious relationship would be like adding a unicycle to the mix, but it was surprisingly like having a safety net.

When I met my boyfriend, I told him very early on that I have pretty severe anxiety. I begged him to understand that it was around long before him, that it’s not his fault. He made me promise I’d always let me hold him, no matter how afraid I am. I thought having it out in the open would make it easy.

It did make it easier, but not easy. There are nights where he’s frustrated to no end because I’m keeping him up asking thousands of questions he’s answered thousands of times. There are times I can’t stop crying and he’s been consoling me for hours and he feels helpless. There are times I’m angry at him for no reason and it’s at no fault of his own. 

No matter how insufferable I am though, he loves me through it. He holds me. When I storm off, he gives me a little time and then comes to find me. When I’m shaking, he tells me everything is okay. He wipes my tears away, and lets me saturate his shirt with them. He is endlessly supportive, kind, and incredibly patient. 

There are things I have to work on, and things he has to learn, but we are trying. We don’t give up on one another, no matter how difficult it gets. It’s not always pretty, and it’s not always happy. We both have breaking points. He gets mad, and frustrated and needs a break. I get distant and cold. But we don’t stop loving eachother and trying to understand.

No matter how hard it is to fight through these problems sometimes, it’s even harder to let go. What we have is something that’s a once in a life time kind of love. He lets me know I’m not too broken. He makes me feel like I’m worthy of love, and that I deserve to be happy. No matter how anxious or how depressed I get, he can make me smile. 

So, it may be a balancing act. It may feel like I’m thousands of feet in the air, standing on one leg. But I know, without a doubt, that I will always have someone there to catch me. To let me know that I’m not alone. I couldn’t be more thankful.

Unfaithfulness

Everyone goes through times that are trying. Things that hurt, and that make you feel like you’ll never be able to stand on your own two feet again. Those things shape you, though. No matter how insignificant they are, they change the way you think about certain things. Maybe you learn from it, and you’re better than your experiences. Maybe it makes you leery, it discourages  you from trusting. For me, being cheated on is something that struck a huge nerve, and something I don’t think I’ll soon forget.  Continue reading