Balancing anxiety and a personal life is like a circus tight rope act. You could fall, the rope could break, or – by an act of god, or by extensive practice – you make it to the other end unscathed. I thought finding a serious relationship would be like adding a unicycle to the mix, but it was surprisingly like having a safety net.
When I met my boyfriend, I told him very early on that I have pretty severe anxiety. I begged him to understand that it was around long before him, that it’s not his fault. He made me promise I’d always let him hold me, no matter how afraid I am. I thought having it out in the open would make it easy.
It did make it easier, but not easy. There are nights where he’s frustrated to no end because I’m keeping him up asking thousands of questions he’s answered thousands of times. There are times I can’t stop crying and he’s been consoling me for hours and he feels helpless. There are times I’m angry at him for no reason and it’s at no fault of his own.
No matter how insufferable I am though, he loves me through it. He holds me. When I storm off, he gives me a little time and then comes to find me. When I’m shaking, he tells me everything is okay. He wipes my tears away, and lets me saturate his shirt with them. He is endlessly supportive, kind, and incredibly patient.
There are things I have to work on, and things he has to learn, but we are trying. We don’t give up on one another, no matter how difficult it gets. It’s not always pretty, and it’s not always happy. We both have breaking points. He gets mad, and frustrated and needs a break. I get distant and cold. But we don’t stop loving eachother and trying to understand.
No matter how hard it is to fight through these problems sometimes, it’s even harder to let go. What we have is something that’s a once in a life time kind of love. He lets me know I’m not too broken. He makes me feel like I’m worthy of love, and that I deserve to be happy. No matter how anxious or how depressed I get, he can make me smile.
So, it may be a balancing act. It may feel like I’m thousands of feet in the air, standing on one leg. But I know, without a doubt, that I will always have someone there to catch me. To let me know that I’m not alone. I couldn’t be more thankful.