An Open Letter to the Girl Before Me

Part of me will always hate you. I know that makes me awful, and it’s harsh, and it’s irrational. I’m sorry, but it’s just true. And it’s nothing personal. It’s nothing you’ve done, nothing about who you are. Just what you’ve done, and what you had.

I forget you exist, and then I see a photo of you two on the mantle of his mother’s fireplace and I remember you were the only girl he’s ever taken to prom. He’s never slow danced with me, and he has with you. We’ve never been the couple everyone watches on a dance floor. Or I’ll remember the other once in a life time things you’ve been present for. I’ll remember you walked across the stage on the same day as him, or that you were his first. And I hate you in those moments, because the jealousy is too much to handle. 

The sound of your name will forever send a burst of pain through my chest. For what you had, and what I never got to experience. But then I remember all of the things I have that you never will. That isn’t to be boastful, it’s not to be selfish, and it’s not to hurt you. It’s just the truth. 

You will never touch him the way I do again. You will never hear him say the words “I love you.” You will never hold him close to you. You will never again spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with his family. That makes me sad for you a bit, because it would kill me to let those things go.

It bothers me that you spent so much time with him. It shouldn’t, but it does. It was a very long time. Years. Which made it very intimidating coming in. It was terrifying, it hurt. But that time means nothing now. What matters is now. 

It bothers me that his family still keeps in contact. It bothers me that you make an effort to see them. I hate that they interact with you on social media. There’s a huge part of me that hopes you all lose contact, or drift apart, and just stop talking. No more I love yous, I miss yous.. but that’s selfish. They love you, and they’re amazing, loving, thoughtful, caring people. You deserve people like them in your life. He, however, will never be a part of your life again.

As a person, we are very different. The relationship we have with him is very different. But I’m trying my hardest to be friends with you. I really do like you. None of my misgivings and animosities are really personal, just situational. But I honestly hope they pass.

I’m not asking permission to post this. I will not apologize for posting this. This is my honesty. My openness. I needed to do this to calm those angers inside of me. I know we’ve had our past problems, and I’m so happy we’ve made it past them.

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