Loss and Letting Go

At the end of my Christmas vacation, I spent a lot of time in the nursing home. My Pappy wasn’t doing to well, and they knew it wasn’t long until the end.. Then all of a sudden it became just a matter of days and then a matter of moments.

When he was still alert and awake, I listened to the last words he’d say. He told me that he’s at the height of his life in that moment. That he loved me. Not to smoke marijuana. He knew it was the end, but he asked whether or not we could all have dinner as a family if he got to feeling better and it broke my heart.

The next day I sat there holding his hand, and he stopped taking breaths. Then, very very slowly, his heart stopped beating. My little sister and I were the only ones in the room, then my mom and dad showed up soon after. I never expected him to be one for big gestures, but snow flurries started flying around outside at that exact moment. His nickname had always been Snowball, and everything about it was fitting for him. He said goodbye, that he loved us, and sent a brief comfort in that.

In the recent days, I’ve been missing him more than ever. I wish I had taken more pictures. I wish I had spent more time. I wish I’d never told him how much it bothered me when he told me not to wear lipstick or that I didn’t need make up. I wish I could sit on his bed while he watches the NASCAR race.

You never realize how essential someone is to your life until suddenly they’re gone. I always knew he was important and how much I loved him, but I never realized that he’d be gone one day and that it would hurt so bad. I wrote an entire speech for his funeral, then got up there and couldn’t say a word of it. I just rambled and told everyone how much he loved them. It shook me.

That’s the thing about someone dying… No matter how long it’s been expected, or how sick they get, you cannot prepare yourself for someone you love to exit the world. It never feels right, or natural. Even though you know it’s inevitable.

In the days after, you become painfully aware of the changes. I keep his pictures in my room at home and when I see them I miss him even more than I already do. I know he’s no longer in pain, I know he’s in a better place. But I haven’t found any comfort yet. I’m just waiting to feel better.

I thought when I tried to write down my feelings that I’d know what to say, but I still don’t. Tell your family you love them. Be as kind to every single person you meet as you can, whether or not they deserve it. Be cheerful and embrace life while you have it, because it doesn’t last forever. 

RIP Winston Howard Padgett. I love you Pappy, and I always will.

Human Interaction

It’s just a fact of life that there will be things you like about people and, inevitably, things you dislike. The fun (and I use that word loosely) part about all of this is figuring it out, and deciding if the pros outweigh the cons enough to keep them in your life.

I’ve struggled with this balance throughout my entire life. I either constantly push away the people that actually care, or decide to associate myself with toxic individuals who do nothing but weigh me down. Until I finally noticed the trend and that a certain type of people made me feel a certain type of way, I was confused as to why my mood fluctuated so often and so drastically.

There’s another balance that has to be found, though. How does one deal with people? It’s a catch22 situation. If you’re too nice, people perceive you as weak. If you assert yourself, you’re called rude (or – more often than not – an expletive).  It’s impossible to please everyone around you all of the time, or even most of the time.

Personally, I tend to run away from it. If someone says something that bothers me, I ignore them until I forget why I’m mad. Then it just builds up and builds up until my anger and frustration comes out all at once. Recently I’m discovering how counterintuitive that is for my sanity and my happiness, and am striving to change that.

It’s my personal goal at this point to cut out those individuals that are toxic to my life. If I have had to separate myself from that person too many times to count because we just cannot get along, I’m not going to keep going back anymore. Sure, I’ll miss the bonds and the memories, but I also know I won’t miss the friendships themselves.

On the other side of that, I want to be a better friend to those individuals who are deserving of my time. I want to make more of an effort to dedicate time to spend with them doing things they enjoy, and to be present when I’m with them.

I also want to try to be more pleasant to anyone I come in contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. It is possible to not be friends with someone, but also not make an enemy of them. If someone makes a problem out of you not talking to them or spending time with them. it’s their problem. Especially if they only make you miserable when they are around.

For positive things to happen in your life, you have to surround yourself with positivity. Have a positive attitude, and spend time with those who have a positive impact on your life and who are worth your time. If you let yourself drag and never pick yourself up, only negative things can come from it.

Mental Health

Mental disorders and disabilities are something that a huge stigma surrounds, and although we’re progressing from that, the negative thoughts still surround these terms. Although I am very open about my struggles, I really wanted to take the time to share my story. I know it sounds very canned, but I promise you are not alone if you struggle with mental health issues, and everyone deserves to feel normal. Keep reading to hear my experiences with this.  Continue reading

Learning to Live with Myself

From the time I was small, my favorite thing in the entire world to do was write. I made up silly, grammatically-incorrect stories. Then, I thought they were amazing and that one day I’d sell them and subsequently become a huge author. Well, that dream is something that changed along the way, but my love for writing never did. Because of that, I’ve decided to start a personal blog. What better to write about than the thing I know best?

I’ve decided to do this more for myself, just to keep track of how I feel. If others tag along on my journey, they are more than welcome. I sincerely hope that at least someone can relate or that something I write at least makes you think. I hope to update biweekly, or more often if at all possible.

Thanks for taking the time to read!