Why I Refuse to Have a Wedding

So many little girls dream of their wedding day. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t one of them, because I was. I pictured a solid white princess dress, silver and lilac as the colors, tables upon tables of people, an orchestra, some beautiful gothic church. Now, that couldn’t be any further from what I want for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost, I believe marriage has become more about extravagant weddings than the actual marriage. People don’t even think about their life together when they’re submerged in cake and wine tastings and filling scrapbooks with receipts and photos. I want the day I give my life to the person I love to be about the life we’re going to have, and about the love we share. I don’t want it to be about dresses or cakes or champagne, but about us.

Our life together isn’t going to be this picture perfect fairy tale. It’s going to be real life. We’re going to have struggles, and beautiful triumphs. We’re going to love eachother with everything we have, even when we feel we have nothing. We will have a life full of laughter and mishaps, but overflowing with love.

The second reason is the price. My significant other and I have spoken about it on multiple occasions, and we both feel that a big wedding is an unnecessary expenditure. There are so many more important things that the massive amount of money a wedding would cost can be spent on. For us, it will either go towards travel or towards our living situation. Those things are things we value much more than making a show of something we think is beautiful and personal.

The most important part of my reasoning for me, is the fact that I don’t have the best relationship with my family. My wedding day will be a special day for me and my boyfriend, and I don’t want those people to ruin it for me. I couldn’t bare the guilt I would feel to have a wedding without my family, but I would be miserable if they were there. It’s not so simple as just not inviting them, or having them there and ignoring them. I just don’t want to have one because it would make me uncomfortable.

I’m not settling. Going to the court house and signing the certificate with a witness is all I want. It’s the only way I can picture my wedding day going in a way I’d want to remember. I don’t feel like I’m giving anything up or missing anything. And if I do after, we’ll renew and have a ceremony. This is what I want, and I’m happy I have someone who agrees. I’m not a little girl anymore, and the fairy tales I believe in are of a more realistic nature.


An Open Letter to the Girl Before Me

Part of me will always hate you. I know that makes me awful, and it’s harsh, and it’s irrational. I’m sorry, but it’s just true. And it’s nothing personal. It’s nothing you’ve done, nothing about who you are. Just what you’ve done, and what you had.

I forget you exist, and then I see a photo of you two on the mantle of his mother’s fireplace and I remember you were the only girl he’s ever taken to prom. He’s never slow danced with me, and he has with you. We’ve never been the couple everyone watches on a dance floor. Or I’ll remember the other once in a life time things you’ve been present for. I’ll remember you walked across the stage on the same day as him, or that you were his first. And I hate you in those moments, because the jealousy is too much to handle. 

The sound of your name will forever send a burst of pain through my chest. For what you had, and what I never got to experience. But then I remember all of the things I have that you never will. That isn’t to be boastful, it’s not to be selfish, and it’s not to hurt you. It’s just the truth. 

You will never touch him the way I do again. You will never hear him say the words “I love you.” You will never hold him close to you. You will never again spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with his family. That makes me sad for you a bit, because it would kill me to let those things go.

It bothers me that you spent so much time with him. It shouldn’t, but it does. It was a very long time. Years. Which made it very intimidating coming in. It was terrifying, it hurt. But that time means nothing now. What matters is now. 

It bothers me that his family still keeps in contact. It bothers me that you make an effort to see them. I hate that they interact with you on social media. There’s a huge part of me that hopes you all lose contact, or drift apart, and just stop talking. No more I love yous, I miss yous.. but that’s selfish. They love you, and they’re amazing, loving, thoughtful, caring people. You deserve people like them in your life. He, however, will never be a part of your life again.

As a person, we are very different. The relationship we have with him is very different. But I’m trying my hardest to be friends with you. I really do like you. None of my misgivings and animosities are really personal, just situational. But I honestly hope they pass.

I’m not asking permission to post this. I will not apologize for posting this. This is my honesty. My openness. I needed to do this to calm those angers inside of me. I know we’ve had our past problems, and I’m so happy we’ve made it past them.

Love and Mental Health

Balancing anxiety and a personal life is like a circus tight rope act. You could fall, the rope could break, or – by an act of god, or by extensive practice – you make it to the other end unscathed. I thought finding a serious relationship would be like adding a unicycle to the mix, but it was surprisingly like having a safety net.

When I met my boyfriend, I told him very early on that I have pretty severe anxiety. I begged him to understand that it was around long before him, that it’s not his fault. He made me promise I’d always let him hold me, no matter how afraid I am. I thought having it out in the open would make it easy.

It did make it easier, but not easy. There are nights where he’s frustrated to no end because I’m keeping him up asking thousands of questions he’s answered thousands of times. There are times I can’t stop crying and he’s been consoling me for hours and he feels helpless. There are times I’m angry at him for no reason and it’s at no fault of his own.

No matter how insufferable I am though, he loves me through it. He holds me. When I storm off, he gives me a little time and then comes to find me. When I’m shaking, he tells me everything is okay. He wipes my tears away, and lets me saturate his shirt with them. He is endlessly supportive, kind, and incredibly patient.

There are things I have to work on, and things he has to learn, but we are trying. We don’t give up on one another, no matter how difficult it gets. It’s not always pretty, and it’s not always happy. We both have breaking points. He gets mad, and frustrated and needs a break. I get distant and cold. But we don’t stop loving eachother and trying to understand.

No matter how hard it is to fight through these problems sometimes, it’s even harder to let go. What we have is something that’s a once in a life time kind of love. He lets me know I’m not too broken. He makes me feel like I’m worthy of love, and that I deserve to be happy. No matter how anxious or how depressed I get, he can make me smile.

So, it may be a balancing act. It may feel like I’m thousands of feet in the air, standing on one leg. But I know, without a doubt, that I will always have someone there to catch me. To let me know that I’m not alone. I couldn’t be more thankful.


Everyone goes through times that are trying. Things that hurt, and that make you feel like you’ll never be able to stand on your own two feet again. Those things shape you, though. No matter how insignificant they are, they change the way you think about certain things. Maybe you learn from it, and you’re better than your experiences. Maybe it makes you leery, it discourages  you from trusting. For me, being cheated on is something that struck a huge nerve, and something I don’t think I’ll soon forget.  Continue reading

19 Goals for 19

I planned on posting this on my birthday (April 13), but sometimes life gets in the way. Especially when it comes to college life! But, here it is. Better late than never! I just turned 19, and I’m hoping to make this year better than the last. So for this upcoming year in my life, I’ve made a list of goals. Some are single tasks that can be completed, and others are things that I will strive to uphold on a daily basis.  Continue reading

Loss and Letting Go

At the end of my Christmas vacation, I spent a lot of time in the nursing home. My Pappy wasn’t doing to well, and they knew it wasn’t long until the end.. Then all of a sudden it became just a matter of days and then a matter of moments.

When he was still alert and awake, I listened to the last words he’d say. He told me that he’s at the height of his life in that moment. That he loved me. Not to smoke marijuana. He knew it was the end, but he asked whether or not we could all have dinner as a family if he got to feeling better and it broke my heart.

The next day I sat there holding his hand, and he stopped taking breaths. Then, very very slowly, his heart stopped beating. My little sister and I were the only ones in the room, then my mom and dad showed up soon after. I never expected him to be one for big gestures, but snow flurries started flying around outside at that exact moment. His nickname had always been Snowball, and everything about it was fitting for him. He said goodbye, that he loved us, and sent a brief comfort in that.

In the recent days, I’ve been missing him more than ever. I wish I had taken more pictures. I wish I had spent more time. I wish I’d never told him how much it bothered me when he told me not to wear lipstick or that I didn’t need make up. I wish I could sit on his bed while he watches the NASCAR race.

You never realize how essential someone is to your life until suddenly they’re gone. I always knew he was important and how much I loved him, but I never realized that he’d be gone one day and that it would hurt so bad. I wrote an entire speech for his funeral, then got up there and couldn’t say a word of it. I just rambled and told everyone how much he loved them. It shook me.

That’s the thing about someone dying… No matter how long it’s been expected, or how sick they get, you cannot prepare yourself for someone you love to exit the world. It never feels right, or natural. Even though you know it’s inevitable.

In the days after, you become painfully aware of the changes. I keep his pictures in my room at home and when I see them I miss him even more than I already do. I know he’s no longer in pain, I know he’s in a better place. But I haven’t found any comfort yet. I’m just waiting to feel better.

I thought when I tried to write down my feelings that I’d know what to say, but I still don’t. Tell your family you love them. Be as kind to every single person you meet as you can, whether or not they deserve it. Be cheerful and embrace life while you have it, because it doesn’t last forever. 

RIP Winston Howard Padgett. I love you Pappy, and I always will.

Human Interaction

It’s just a fact of life that there will be things you like about people and, inevitably, things you dislike. The fun (and I use that word loosely) part about all of this is figuring it out, and deciding if the pros outweigh the cons enough to keep them in your life.

I’ve struggled with this balance throughout my entire life. I either constantly push away the people that actually care, or decide to associate myself with toxic individuals who do nothing but weigh me down. Until I finally noticed the trend and that a certain type of people made me feel a certain type of way, I was confused as to why my mood fluctuated so often and so drastically.

There’s another balance that has to be found, though. How does one deal with people? It’s a catch22 situation. If you’re too nice, people perceive you as weak. If you assert yourself, you’re called rude (or – more often than not – an expletive).  It’s impossible to please everyone around you all of the time, or even most of the time.

Personally, I tend to run away from it. If someone says something that bothers me, I ignore them until I forget why I’m mad. Then it just builds up and builds up until my anger and frustration comes out all at once. Recently I’m discovering how counterintuitive that is for my sanity and my happiness, and am striving to change that.

It’s my personal goal at this point to cut out those individuals that are toxic to my life. If I have had to separate myself from that person too many times to count because we just cannot get along, I’m not going to keep going back anymore. Sure, I’ll miss the bonds and the memories, but I also know I won’t miss the friendships themselves.

On the other side of that, I want to be a better friend to those individuals who are deserving of my time. I want to make more of an effort to dedicate time to spend with them doing things they enjoy, and to be present when I’m with them.

I also want to try to be more pleasant to anyone I come in contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. It is possible to not be friends with someone, but also not make an enemy of them. If someone makes a problem out of you not talking to them or spending time with them. it’s their problem. Especially if they only make you miserable when they are around.

For positive things to happen in your life, you have to surround yourself with positivity. Have a positive attitude, and spend time with those who have a positive impact on your life and who are worth your time. If you let yourself drag and never pick yourself up, only negative things can come from it.

Mental Health

Mental disorders and disabilities are something that a huge stigma surrounds, and although we’re progressing from that, the negative thoughts still surround these terms. Although I am very open about my struggles, I really wanted to take the time to share my story. I know it sounds very canned, but I promise you are not alone if you struggle with mental health issues, and everyone deserves to feel normal. Keep reading to hear my experiences with this.  Continue reading

Learning to Live with Myself

From the time I was small, my favorite thing in the entire world to do was write. I made up silly, grammatically-incorrect stories. Then, I thought they were amazing and that one day I’d sell them and subsequently become a huge author. Well, that dream is something that changed along the way, but my love for writing never did. Because of that, I’ve decided to start a personal blog. What better to write about than the thing I know best?

I’ve decided to do this more for myself, just to keep track of how I feel. If others tag along on my journey, they are more than welcome. I sincerely hope that at least someone can relate or that something I write at least makes you think. I hope to update biweekly, or more often if at all possible.

Thanks for taking the time to read!