Moving In and Moving On

Incase you haven’t kept up to date with the rest of my blogposts – it’s been quite the interesting summer. I’ve been through a lot of heartache, I’ve experienced new things, and overall I’ve learned a lot about life, about God, and about myself. Now, it’s time to begin a new portion of my life – as well as a new school year (yay for sophomore year of college!).

Last Thursday, August 17, I moved into my first apartment with my boyfriend of a year and five months. It has been more exciting for me than I ever could have expected. Leaving the small town that I have lived in my whole life and signing a year lease felt like the biggest weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Everything big that has ever happened in my life has happened in that area. So, that means all of the good things and – more importantly – all of the bad could be left there

It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows, though. We’ve had countless maintenance issues; our washing machine doesn’t work, our air conditioner runs constantly without ever getting down to the set temperature, our hot water heater is terrible, we’ve had to fix the garbage disposal, there is a huge football sized wasp nest on our balcony, the balcony floor boards are uneven and rotting, our sink leaks, our outlet covers are all broken, one outlet doesn’t even work, and who knows what else we’ll find. A ton of money has been poured into furniture, bills, curtains, bed stuff, hangers, groceries…

On the bright side, though, I feel so independent and empowered. We made it to church and had an awesome service on our first Sunday here, which really lifted my spirits. My boyfriend and I are learning to work together, even through very tough situations. I’m learning how to be completely independent from my grandparents for the first time in my life, and I feel like I’m doing really really well with it. We get to pick how everything looks, we get to make all of the decisions ourselves. We FINALLY get to be adults without any parents shadowing over our shoulders, waiting to catch us.

Our dog has been an immense comfort, as well. He’s adjusted way better than I ever could have hoped. He goes to the door when he wants to go out, he’s on a good schedule for going out and waking up and going to bed. He met a new friend at the doggy park, and played his little heart out until he was exhausted and ready to crash on the couch (where he still is right now, 3 hours later).

I can’t lie, it’s been a lot. We’ve experienced more ups and downs in 5 days than I have felt in months, My excitement, though, has not been dampened. I am still positive and beyond ready to experience the rest of this journey with my boy and my dog. There is nowhere else I would rather be than this stuffy, too-hot apartment with a growing pile of dirty laundry.

Loss and Letting Go

At the end of my Christmas vacation, I spent a lot of time in the nursing home. My Pappy wasn’t doing to well, and they knew it wasn’t long until the end.. Then all of a sudden it became just a matter of days and then a matter of moments.

When he was still alert and awake, I listened to the last words he’d say. He told me that he’s at the height of his life in that moment. That he loved me. Not to smoke marijuana. He knew it was the end, but he asked whether or not we could all have dinner as a family if he got to feeling better and it broke my heart.

The next day I sat there holding his hand, and he stopped taking breaths. Then, very very slowly, his heart stopped beating. My little sister and I were the only ones in the room, then my mom and dad showed up soon after. I never expected him to be one for big gestures, but snow flurries started flying around outside at that exact moment. His nickname had always been Snowball, and everything about it was fitting for him. He said goodbye, that he loved us, and sent a brief comfort in that.

In the recent days, I’ve been missing him more than ever. I wish I had taken more pictures. I wish I had spent more time. I wish I’d never told him how much it bothered me when he told me not to wear lipstick or that I didn’t need make up. I wish I could sit on his bed while he watches the NASCAR race.

You never realize how essential someone is to your life until suddenly they’re gone. I always knew he was important and how much I loved him, but I never realized that he’d be gone one day and that it would hurt so bad. I wrote an entire speech for his funeral, then got up there and couldn’t say a word of it. I just rambled and told everyone how much he loved them. It shook me.

That’s the thing about someone dying… No matter how long it’s been expected, or how sick they get, you cannot prepare yourself for someone you love to exit the world. It never feels right, or natural. Even though you know it’s inevitable.

In the days after, you become painfully aware of the changes. I keep his pictures in my room at home and when I see them I miss him even more than I already do. I know he’s no longer in pain, I know he’s in a better place. But I haven’t found any comfort yet. I’m just waiting to feel better.

I thought when I tried to write down my feelings that I’d know what to say, but I still don’t. Tell your family you love them. Be as kind to every single person you meet as you can, whether or not they deserve it. Be cheerful and embrace life while you have it, because it doesn’t last forever. 

RIP Winston Howard Padgett. I love you Pappy, and I always will.